Saturday, July 18, 2015

Hashtag: The Human Team - Part Three

Well, well, well... If it ain't you...


You gotta lotta nerve showing yer ugly mug 'round these parts. You know that, Skeeter? Well, since yer here, why not sit a spell 'n indulge me as ah try'n save the whole galdarned world with nuthin' but good ol' fashioned?


What do you mean, 'what do you mean?'

There ain't nuthin' else! Ah meant what ah said. Good. Ol'. Fashioned.

Well, if you'd stop yer yappin' then ah could get ta writin' and then you'd know what in tarnation ah'm blatherin' on about.

Last time we all hugged and cried on each other's shoulders just thinking about how darn cute baby ducks are, and also mourning the loss of Skeeter's crazy uncle Keith, who was tragically eaten to death by baby ducks. This time I have chosen an even better (but less cute) subject to unite all humanity (Western humanity, mainly). That is this!

Being glad we don't live in the American Old West!

I often think about how much I would've loved living in the Old West. Driving cattle. Getting in noon-time showdowns. Riding the range on my sweet Black Stallion. Getting in noon-time showdowns. Drinking sarsaparilla from a bottle in a saloon filled with the stink of unwashed cowpokes. Getting in noon-time showdowns. (I would've shot a lot of people. A whole lot. Like almost too many. Like, a ridiculously high number that would make modern-day serial killers go, "maybe you should just stop killing people, buddy. Don't you think you've killed enough people by now?" To which I would reply with, "Draw!" And then I'd shoot them!)

Calm down... They're serial killers. They deserved it.

It just sounds so amazing. Until I think about it a little too long. Just long enough for rationality to overtake sentimentalism.

There was almost nothing good at all back then! Nothing!!!

Well, I hear they made a decent salsa, and their corn on the cob wasn't half bad. But other than that, nothing.

Following is a list of things we have now, that they didn't have then so that any time you start wishing you were Marty McFly in Back to the Future 3, you'll be glad you didn't have a Flux Capacitor when you had that thought (they didn't have Flux Capacitor's in the Old West either, BTW - or now, or probably never).

Chipotle (the Tex-Mex restaurant, not the traditional smoked-dried jalapeno. They had that)
Fast food of any kind (nope, not even Arby's)
He-Man action figures (sorry, kids! Go milk a cow or something!)
Flat screen televisions (shadow puppets, maybe? Charades??? What did children do?!)
Fancy pants (unconfirmed)
Super cool fake leather jackets with a built-in hood (confirmed)
Kohl's clearance section (jeans for only $12.00?!?!)
Spandex biking outfits (on second thought, keep 'em)
Cowboy hats (wrong)
Elevators (right)
Escalators (left)
The Bear Grylls-endorsed line of survival gear (they really could've used this stuff too!)
Jose Cuervo Margarita Mix (and the cool sombrero hat container thingy with sea salt!)
iPhones (what?!)
Cool novelty iPhone cases (not that they would need them, since the suckers had no iPhones)
Smartphones of ANY KIND (you're kidding, right? They at least had a Samsung Galaxy. Nope)
Orangecicles (orange-flavored Popsicles. They're a'ight)
Chinese food (well, it was mostly just in China back then)
A Large Hadron Collider (uh...)
Any sort of Hadron Collider (see above)
Reversible belts and interchangeable belt buckles (I mean, come on!)
Electric fans (electric anything, I guess...)
Starbucks (love 'em or hate 'em, they now sell Cold-Brewed Coffee, which is excellent)
Coffeehouses, period (aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Take me back! Take me back! I don't wanna live in the Old West anymore!!! Please, Doc Brown! Doctor Who! Doctor Phil! Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame! Anyone! Perez Hilton even! Oooorrr someone else... Just someone please get me back to the year 2015!!!)

Well, there you have it, Human Team. A bunch of reasons to stop arguing amongst ourselves and start being collectively thankful that we live now, when all of those amazing things exist! Do you, Skeeter, have any more you'd like to add to the list? Add them in the comments section, and don't forget the humorous parenthetical, pal! I don't want to have to tell you again.

Go #TheHumanTeam !!!

Until next time,

Peace, love, and a third thing

Post a Comment