Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Clyde Kills Christmas: Page One - a Holiday Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Story

Clyde McDowell had never killed Santa Claus before. Few had, and if you want to be strict about it, no one had. Sure, a mall Santa had been offed here and there over the years, and probably just as many had offed themselves, but no one had ever killed the Santa Claus.

Not until Clyde McDowell came along.

It was a warm December day in San Diego, sixty-five degrees but with only mild winds, it felt closer to seventy. The sun doesn't hide much in San Diego, even in winter, and those happy rays on your skin make all the difference. Clyde didn't much care for it. He liked it cold. Like...Alaska cold...Fargo cold...North Pole cold.

But Clyde wasn't at the real North Pole or anywhere near Fargo, and he sure's hell wasn't going to Alaska anytime soon, not with that crazy ex-wife of his out for his money--and if she couldn't get that, his blood would do just fine. He'd escaped ol' Betty Wert-McDowell several years prior, fled to the last state she'd ever look for him, and changed his name to Lenny Burns, but he still went by Clyde McDowell to anyone who mattered.

No, Clyde wasn't anywhere close to anywhere with a reasonably cold winter forecast, much less the Arctic Circle; he was working the tree lot at a local nursery named Teagan's Trees and Shrubs. The seasonal sign hanging over the lot read, "North Pole," but it was a lie. A terrible, unforgivable lie, and Clyde was sweating more than anyone should have to that close to Christmas.

Now, Christmas trees aren't heavy by any means, but when you're carrying them to lazy patrons' cars, one after the other, securing them to the tops of those cars, with nary a break in customer flow, with that sun beating down...well, it'll turn your shirt wet as sure as any well-aimed water balloon or poorly-aimed fire hose. So, when lunch time did finally come, Clyde was ready for a burrito and a cold Corona, sans the lime. Sure, it was against Teagan's code of conduct to consume alcohol during a mid-shift meal break, but Clyde never cared much for such nonsense as codes of conduct. He conducted himself however he damn-well pleased, and anyone who tried to stop him better look out.

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If you want Clyde to let his thirst take control and get blasted drunk on his lunch break, resulting in a fist fight with a displeased customer, thus losing his job and ending up in jail (to start!), turn to page 17.

If you want Clyde to take it easy and stop at one beer, resulting in him losing his job after getting hit on by a hot lady customer and taking off with her in her car mid-shift (to start!), turn to page 34.

(just comment with your page number...we want this to feel like a real CYOA book)

Thursday, July 19, 2018

The Blog That Shall Not Be Named


Why is one thing good and another evil? Is there an objective Good and Evil at all, or is morality a sea of gray area wherein each action or thought, each bike lock to the face or political figure calling for incivility and violence, is only good or evil relative to the individual committing them?

Are Social Justice Warriors waging a righteous war against evil fascists, or are they, in an ironic twist, the very fascists they claim to oppose?

How do you engage in conversation with irrational people whose best arguments amount to name-calling, repeating unsubstantiated defamatory claims, or downright bold-faced lying?

All good questions.

This is a long one, kids but, if you stick it out, we'll hit all these points and more.

In the absence of any other benefits, I can promise you this will help you get to sleep.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

The Theology of Election...Season

With the election behind us now, and as we look forward to--at the very least--four years of something different than we're used to... I thought it would be good to realign our thoughts and hearts a little bit.

Monday, November 21, 2016

What's Your Platform?

I believe in honesty.  I believe we, as brothers and sisters in Christ, should be open about our struggles, our fears, our doubts...about things that trouble us.  We're all in this life - this Faith - together, and we in the universal Church of Christ are our own support system.  So, I'm just going to share some thoughts and emotions that got shaken loose over the past couple days, in hopes that you all can take something I'm tossing out there and learn or grow from it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

A Lighthearted Discussion on the Necessity of a Divine Creator - Part Four

Nothing.

Like a million years ago, in Part Three of this series (One, Two), I promised that next time (this time) we'd explore the word 'nothing' and see if we couldn't figure out what it's all about. It's actually not all that complicated, but happens to be so simple that it's very easy to get confused thinking about it, expecting it to be more complex than it actually is and getting lost in an infinite thought loop.

No one wants that for you, so, allow me to make good on my promise.

Monday, February 15, 2016

RPG's, JC, and You and Me

Welcome, welcome. Please come inside and make yourself at home.

Hey! Not that at home! Weirdo. Now, if you'll kindly pull your hand out of my last jar of mayonnaise, we can get started.

This is part one of my short series exploring the possibility that maybe, juuuust maybe, tabletop roleplaying games aren't the insidious machinations of the Dark One after all, and that there may even be some usefulness in playing them with family and friends, just so long as no one actually conjures up real evil spirits and the like. For the intro (which you will probably need to read first) click here, here or here.