Friday, April 24, 2009

Squeaky Shoes

Toddler squeaky shoes are for HOME USE ONLY!

You know who you are...

These shoes are designed as highly-annoying-toddler-tracking-devices. Accepted locations for use are limited to your own home, and possibly the home of your most hated lifelong rival. For instance, if you were Superman you could either let your super-munchkin wear them in the Fortress of Solitude, or, in Lex Luthor's lair, period. No place else. And even then, most morally upright individuals would see this as cruel and unusual punishment for a man whose only crimes are... well, almost everything, up to and including mass murder and multiple attempts at world domination.

Places not to employ their use would include EVERY PUBLIC PLACE.

An example would be, oh, say, anywhere that I am trying to read a book. See, these are useful if you are someplace that you may not have your eyes on your toddler at all times, such as your home. But in the entirety of the public realm, parents (hopefully) have their gaze fixed on their little one, for multiple obvious reasons which I need not list. And if there are cars within 3 feet of your newly autonomous child it should go without saying that you don't need squeaky shoes on the little one.

By the way, you can hear those blessed torture devices from at least the length of the average elementary school driveway, just in case you were wondering.

My question is this: What kind of volcano-lair-dwelling malevolantly nefarious super genius dreamed up such God-forsaken footwear?

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